affection
This should be expected since I foreshadowed it in my previous blog posts, but yes, my last post was a year and a half ago. I knew I wouldn't be good at blogging—the same way I am not good at journaling, it usually goes a little something like this:
- Make one or two entries (more often than not, right before I get into a relationship or around the time I've just started a relationship)
- Ignore the journal for several months to a year or two
- Come back to it, read my old entries and cringe
- Make a small update about how we've definitely broken up by then, and maybe there's a new love interest in the picture already
- Rinse, repeat...
Well, where do I start? Fair warning, I can tell this will be a long one, so if you manage to read until the end you have my utmost gratitude.
Yes, in the amount of time I didn't write any blog posts, I got into a relationship that went nowhere, we broke up, I became content with being alone, and found myself in some weird new complicated situation... But I'm getting ahead of myself, so one thing at a time.
Around the time aforementioned relationship ended, I started writing a blog post and then just never finished, leaving this blog to collect dust. So I don't know if there is any point in mentioning the specifics with this person, other than that no, it wasn't that guy I had a crush on whom I mentioned in a previous blog post. There was a short amount of time where I felt that I absolutely had to ask him out, but one day, I was getting ready to meet with some friends and was running terribly late... I rush to the station and I notice him there, with a girl. All of my friends keep saying "You never know, it could've been a relative, a coworker, etc..." but in my heart of hearts I felt that that must have been his girlfriend and maybe the universe wanted me to see that and slap some sense into me. Or who knows, maybe it was just a coincidence...
Anyway, the relationship I was in didn't last very long, though I felt very strong emotions during it, to the point where I thought we would move in together. Well, I always feel my emotions quite intensely, and thought I was in love at the time even though looking back at it now I don't feel that I was at all. Even though when we broke up it felt like a truck ramming into me. Alas, I can't help but feel everything very intensely in the moment...
I went home for the holidays, and sometime during that trip I suddenly felt very content with not being in a relationship and just being by myself. I came back to my current residence and really felt at ease with it; that it was okay to be by myself in my (since I moved before the holidays, now bigger) apartment, drawing, playing games, watching videos, etc.—by myself.
That is, until I met someone about a month later... He was friends with people I had already met before, and we had a decent amount in common—he even started infodumping about my current hyperfixation (which I am omitting in case there is someone out there who realizes who I am on here...) before I did!
We made plans not too long after to hang out. And during that first hang out he revealed to me that he recently had gone through a split from a long term relationship of 8 years.
And there lies the big issue.
I know that people need time, you probably know it too. You need time to heal. You need time to process it all. You need time to be in denial, to be sad, to be angry, to accept it. Heck, I've mentioned a big breakup I went through in previous blog posts, and that took me forever to get over despite the fact that we didn't go out nearly as long as they did!
Yet, despite knowing all of this—both him and I—we couldn't help but grow closer. I was always kind of impatient when it came to romance. I'm the type of person to think, I like you, do you like me? Yes? Okay, so surely we're together then? Though, I know this is a delicate situation. We are both painfully aware.
But something about those little moments, like "You haven't seen this movie? We have to watch it!" and (sends a photo) "I thought of you," and using heart emojis in my favorite colors, and giving me a call because he noticed I was upset about something, and "I wish you could stay," and "You're the only person I've told this to"... I guess you can say I've completely fallen for this sort of tenderness and affection. Perhaps I'm just a sucker.
And maybe some of you reading have been in a similar situation and want to give me warnings. I've already gotten plenty from one of my siblings and a couple of my friends... I don't really know what I'm doing. The romantic in me wants to say "I don't mind waiting," but the realist in me says that you shouldn't wait for anyone. I already did enough waiting in the past for something that never came to be. Why would I put myself through that strife again? Maybe this too, will pass with time.