bitterness
I opened my journal for the first time in several months today. I was never good at journaling. I would always write one or two entries and then never look at it again for months, rinse, repeat. For that reason, I'm a bit worried as to how consistent I'll be with blogging. (I'll definitely try my best.)
On one hand, I think it's interesting to see how I was feeling at random points in the past. However, another part of me wants to leave all bad thoughts behind in the past, so why bother writing about it? I think this can be said for a lot of people, but whenever I actually end up writing in my journal, it's almost always when I'm feeling unhappy. Even when I write about happy things, I find that looking back on them also puts me in somewhat of a bad mood. I think the reason is that most of the times I've written about nice things is when I wrote about past relationships.
Indeed, I went through a breakup last year. It was rough. I isolated myself from nearly everyone and felt empty for most of that year. That was really the only relationship I experienced since I've had my current journal. So of course, what little happy entries there are are about how we started dating. Skip some several pages later and you get to the stage where I'm begging for them to come back to me and forgive me. I wrote essays worth of apologies and manifestations (embarrassing, I know) that now make me wince as I try to quickly flip past those pages. My Instagram story archive is no different. For nearly 2 months straight on my close friends story, I posted a nature photo every day with a small caption that read "i love you." Yes, my ex was still on my close friends list. I recommend against keeping someone who has just broken up with you on your close friends list. It's none of their business anymore!
What do you do with those memories? The cards you gave me, the journal entries I wrote about you, the photos we took together... And because I'm a fool, I brought all of the physical photos with me when I moved. What am I supposed to do with those now? I showed you my favorite song and then it became our song. Now I can't even listen to it anymore.
It took me about a year to not feel broken over this relationship. I just don't know how to stop being bitter about it.
I think I'll go through my camera roll, transfer the photos of us together onto my external drive, and delete them from my phone. It would be simpler, and perhaps healthier, to delete them completely. But I've never been good at letting things go.